Akhir Kehidupan Mahasiswa

1 Maret 2006

6.50AM

When things out of control…

I promise myself that i will make a bigger turbulence than herself….

I know that is out of control….But bigger turbulence are the only thing i need….

So i could get away….

So that you could change into something better….

Even without me on your side….

The absolute route of escape…Absolution of change…

And My ultimate Weapon…Ultima…

PS:

Because you are spinning with the devil that have no specific good goals….And you know you are the devil…..And i’m the ruthless devil the merciless devil that have a good deeds….Thank you for everything….Good bye….

By the time you read this blog it might be too late to stopped me….

Should i roll the last dice and put everything at the stakes….

Or leave it be until next time the chance are coming….

Apa gue sanggup kehilangan segalanya?….

Apa gue sanggup menerima semuanya?….

Buat orang se-EXtreem gue….Pasti gue sanggup….

Unless someone takes my hand and stopped me from throwing the dices….

The bloody dices that i’ve kept under my bloody hands and chest….

I can’t stand my self….

I am crying everytime i hear hate me….

I know i keep on acting adult and try not to cry in front of tiwi so then i can tell my self "see you are a tough guy"….

Blue October - Hate Me
I have to block out thoughts of you
so I dont lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach
leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape
To remind me I’m alone
Playing movies in my head That make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride A nervous bleeding in my brain

And ounce of pieces is all I want for you
Will you never call again
And will you never say that you loved me
Just to put it in my face
Will you never try to reach me
It is I that wanted space

Hate Me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months
It’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
One thing that always tore us apart
Is the one that I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars with myself
You were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions
On things like suicide or hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away
That I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart
To leave me behind
      
      
Hate Me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
I’m kicking shadows in the street for every mistake that I make
Like a baby boy I never was a man
Til I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand

And the I found I’m yelling make it go away
just make it stop and let it shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"

Hate Me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

But deep inside i was yelling come back to me and embrace me one more time….

28 February 2006

5.20PM

Hari ini gue terbangun dari tempat tidur gue jam 5 pagi langsung bersiap untuk subuh…badan gue bergerak dengan sendirinya mengambil esia dan menelpon tiwi…Ketika gue nelpon gue menyadari gue melakukan sesuatu yang aneh….Tiwi bukan lagi pacar lo zhar…Why you should wake her up when she said you should get away?….DamN, i hate my mornings as if i want to get my self sleep again….

After subuh i get to sleep…Bangun lagi jam 6 berharap gue masih tertidur dan tertidur….Gue lagi gak pengen bangun…Gue pengen tidur dan tertidur…Mati kalo perlu….6.15 gue bangun….gak nafsu untuk nyalain komputer…Gue langsung mandi….Selse mandi gue berangkat…pembantu gue bingung hari itu gue pendiem banget….either guenya ato kamar gue….

Di mobil biasa gue denger acaranya daging dan desta….hahahah….setiap kali gue ketawa gue kayak mau nangis….i don’t know….sepertinya karena sedih untuk ketawa sendirian….Bener2 sedih….

Sepanjang hari ini gue dikasih sms yang isinya "you will find the better one"…Yeah, like i will find the better….Emangnya lo pada pikir kenapa gue tetep disamping tiwi eventhough she betrays me many times….because i know nothing would be better for me….But the world is rolling and spinning right….sometimes you just have to push yourself through the flames….

Jam 10.30…Saatnya bertemu dosen pembimbing skripsi gue….Gak disangka dosen pembimbing gue manis putih gitu….Age probably 28….Seniman banget orangnya….She paint, she plays music…and she have a very nice legs….I wonder what kind of man she have….Not much to tell to her about my writing cause its my first time meeting her…maybe next time i want to talk about the progress i should make…but for now…just for now….Let me feel my self in pain and rest….I am tired….I want to die….

Sepanjang hari gue ngeliat hape…pengen sms….berharap di sms….akhirnya dateng sms yang ditunggu jam 12…nanyain lagi ngapain….hhhhh, you would never know how relieve i am to have those sms….

Begitu gue pulang masuk mobil langsung pembawa acara bilang "ini blue october dengan single hate me"….Damn, mata gue berkaca2…dari dulu gue sedih denger lagu ini….rasanya gue nyanyiin lagu itu buat tiwi….Sepanjang pulang gue bertanya2 pada diri gue…What should i live for right now?….Kalo dibilang gue gak butuh tiwi betul gue gak butuh tiwi….I am a stand alone complex being….But, i need her to comfort me who doesn’t comfort with my self…I need her to cheer me that even myself couldn’t cheer…I need the stability in life to grow….Gue males nyari pacar lagi…gue males kenal orang lagi….gue males untuk bingung lagi….

PLEASE JUST COME BACK TO ME…..PLEASE COME BACK TO ME BEFORE I CHANGED INTO SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD NEVER RECOGNIZE…

Begitu ampe rumah gue pulang dan melihat sms lagi CAREER DAYS sms bilang gue diterima ama nestle….gue check website ternyata gue juga diterima ama P&G….Gue gak ada semangat untuk ngurusin kerja dan karir….Mimpi gue baru aja pupus di tengah jalan….Gue udah gak bisa konsen untuk belajar, main gitar, atau main bass….Apalagi ngerjain skripsi ato cari kerja….Why now?….

Today i change everything that so you….and i hate myself for doing that….i still can’t remove the photographs from my wallet….can’t remove your message from my inbox….Can’t erase one best picthre i ever taken from my friendster….I can’t stop messaging or calling you….

For now, i have lost my purpose to live…..

This is the end….

But Days would never end….

And Even if you stop…

Time will never stop….

I don’t care….

I just want to stop working…

I can’t take it when my hearts rusted…

27 February 2006

11.19 PM

Akhirnya semuanya berakhir seperti yang diperkirakan…Gue dan tiwi reach dead end….Dia suka ama cowok lain dan gue gak bisa ngapa2in…Capek juga sih jadi cowok kedua dari bulan november….But i think that was for the best….Karena gue pikir dengan cinta tulus gue, Gue bisa ngerubah keadaan itu….But i guess i was wrong….Bulan November she cheats me more and tell lies that i have know it later at january….And in january, she commit a high treason action to me….She DID IT with other guy…..

Hari ini dia nelpon malem ini karena merasa bersalah gue jutekin…..Gue emang pengen jutekin karena dia gak bisa bilang untuk berpisah dari gue….Setelah ngobrol gue nanya pertanyaan yang gak jelas dateng dari mana….”Apa gue perlu menyingkir?”…dia bilang “kalo gue bilang iya gimana?”….”Yeee, gak usah nanya kalo”….”………Iya”…..then gue ngomong lagi tentang band PAZTAA karena bukan mimpi gue jadi manajer band itu…Cuma mendukung apa yang tiwi mimpikan….Hasilnya….Gue berenti jadi manajer band PAZTAA…Gue send SMS good bye ke anak2 PAZTAA dan reasoningnya…I guess now there is nothing to hide…

If you ask me why do i shiver and cry….

It was because of the air con and dust…

It was because of the air con and dust…

Ternyata Akhir dari kebersamaan (tempat) adalah akhir dari hubungan kita…..

Aku yang diacuhkan dan tetap diacuhkan….

Bahkan oleh seseorang yang aku sayangi….

Sometimes having a small aura is very handy….I could sneak out to a house easily undetected when i was a kid…When i grew up i know how to suppress aura so i’m unseen when trouble wants to came….Yet when i’m on a high school i realize,,,,This is not my advantage…This is my disadvantage….So i change everything…Lifestyle…Hair cut….Everything….Yet, nothing is working….

Bahkan aku..gak bisa ngebikin DIA ngedengerin gue….Gak bisa ngebikin DIA tertarik ngebales atau ngeSMS gue….Gak bisa ngebikin DIA ngebaca apa yang gue message di FS….Bahkan Gak bisa ngebikin DIA ngebaca Blog ini tanpa gue kasih tau….

Aku yang terlupa dan dilupakan…

Aku yang diacuhkan….

26 february 2006

11.45 PM

Tiwi nyuruh gue tidur….but i just can’t sleep yet…there are too many thoughts to sleep with…at least i must take a note of what i thought….

Hari ini gue seharian di studio miranty….3 jam bow gue disana…ketemu temen chatting gue si dimas dodolipret….ahahahaaha….Pulangnya ke acaranya ulang tahunnya arya…Dia mo berangkat ke jepang bulan ini….Pulang sih taon depan….i guess ini kumpul terakhir odol yah (ato mungkin entar pas si bayu ultah di maret)…Hari ini gak lengkap…tiwi gak bisa ikutan….Hhhhh…..Kamu tau kan aku selalu pemurung kalo gak ada kamu….

ahahaha…hari ini gue ketawa terus….Arya dikasih ama anak odol baju..tanduk devil yang bando…ama celana dalem…..tapi baju ama celana dalemnya ditanda tangan….

Gue dibajunya sih nulis "Livin Lively"…terus signed azhar tiwi…di celana dalemnya gue tulis…"semoga cepat besar"….signed juga azhar tiwi….Rio nyletuk kenapa gak tulis "hope "it" works"….hahahhaah…..bodoh….Suara gue ampe serek….ultahnya di teebox pelayannya ada yang pake celana mini….Cuma there is something broken in my head and i have some screw missin’…i am not that attracted….Beda halnya kalo tiwi pake tank top….Rasanya beda gitu…..Hhhh…..

Besok kamu kembali yah ke bogor?….Sepertinya 2 hari ini gue habisin tanpa gue bisa deket ama lo deh….I spend much time with you…but our heart missing the connection…IT was like i was calling to your heart and you never answer it….Leaving only many missed call in your heart that you even ignored to see who the one that missed call you….

Hooo….bErita….Arya itu emang seleranya orang gay….kacaw…..Well, bukan berita sigh…udah jelas dari dulu…ahahahahaha…poor guy….

When you think the roads have no end…

You are totally wrong….

"Dan akhir dari semester akhir….Awal bagi musisi baru…."

Setidaknya itu yang kepikiran ama gue….PAgi ini gue mainin gitar lagunya ayumi hamasaki - moments….KArena X-Over mau latian itu…Gue yang gampang lupa kunci ini tentunya harus latian dulu biar lebih mudah mengingat kuncinya ntar…ama skalian denger2 deh moments biar ntar pas latian gak pikun….

Alhasil, tangan kiri gue sakit banget…Suer sakit banget gak tertahankan….Gue yang udah lama gak main bass ini kemaren latian bass mati2an….Well, gak mati2an sih…I’ve done worst…Cuma kok rasanya kemaren latian sejam kayak udah di neraka aja yah rasanya…Gue biasanya buat latian fingering 1234,1324,12,23,34,13,24,14 Ini aja biasanya gue selse dalam waktu 15 menit dulunya…Paling ditambah latian string skipping & latian senar atas bawah 10 menit….Jadi total gue warming up 25 menit…..Tapi kemaren, oh my god….Gue latian 1234 ama 1324 aja gak selse2 dalam waktu sejam….Parah abessssssssshhhhh…..Alhasil tangan gue rasanya kayak keseleo pagi2nya….Bener2 strain injury kayaknya sih….Masih bisa gak ya gue kayak dulu?….

Dulunya…Gue berenti main bass karena band gue bubar…dan setelah bubar gue jadian ama cewek….dan masuk ke tingkat akhir dari kuliah gue….Alesan band bubar karena udah gak terlalu produktif dan alasan pribadi gue karena gue mo konsen ke hal yang lain…..Akhirnya gue ampir gak pernah main bass lagi dari waktu itu…Tapi ganti senar masih….

Alesan lain kenapa gue gak main bass karena cablenya udah gak nyala lagi…Dan i lost my fruity loops…aneh rasanya main kalo gak ada metronome….Meski sekarang gue tetep gak ada fruity loops dan cable masih belum gue ganti (setelah 8 bulan gue masih gak ganti…betapa procrastinatornya gue…hahaahha)….Tapi entah gimana gue nemu passion gue untuk musik yang dulu gue tinggalin…Mungkin karena skripsi gue tentang musik….

Hari ini cukup spesial…..Playing wild arms lagi (this is not special i know)…Ampe tahap ketika kresnik udah nyadar dan nolong yulie….Terus abis itu pagi anter ade gue skul rawamangun-bekasi….Siangnya juga begitu cuma yang jadi sopir ade gue yang cowok…Nah, ini dia spesialnya….Sorenya gue kerumah tiwi….Hummm….Hari ini tiwi banyak diem….Gue tau dia ada masalah banget dari hari senen minggu ini…Cuma dia gak bisa ngomong ke gue masalahnya apa….Huhuhuhu….Dan malamnya dibikinin mie goreng spesial ala tiwi….Enaaaaaaaak…..i know itu cuma mie goreng….Tapi kalo wanita idaman yang ngebikinin nilai cognitivenya ketutupan ama nilai affectivenya….

Hoooh…Dhanny….How are you?….Miss you too my lady….How’s your final assignment?….Is it done yet?….

25 february 2006

1.14 AM

Entah apa yang kupikir saat ini….

Entah apa yang kurasa saat ini….

Terpikir bait yang tiwi pernah tunjukkan…

Bait tentang lautan yang sangat gue suka…

Bagaimana buih terbentuk dan menghilang dengan cepat…..

Aku mengantuk…..

Gak ada yang spesial hari ini….Gue cuma ngabisin waktu main Wild ARms 4….I never knew that ARMs were actually made to restore wounded filgaia…Ngurusin band yang isinya cewek smua….Latian bass buat band X-over yang ngebutuhin gue buat jadi additional bassist mereka…Damn gue dah lama gak main (sekarang 8 bulan gue gak main)…tangan gue udah kaku semua….gue udah gak bisa picking fast & perfect lagi kayak dulu….sekarang kalo picking harus pilih salah satu…fast ato perfect….ahahahahahaha…..untungnya kemampuan musikalitas gak menurun….Well menurun sih meski gak separah kemampuan teknikal….

Terus….i told you nothing special today….damn coy….Ngantuk ngantuk ngantuk….

24 February 2006

9.30 AM

S telpon kemaren….Dan mungkin akan mencapai akhir hubungan kita (praduga gue)….Menyebalkan memang ketika segalanya harus berakhir….Menyebalkan memang ketika investasi kita tak membuahkan hasil….Menyebalkan memang ketika seseorang berbohong….Menyebalkan memang…..

Tapi, daripada mikirin orang lain….Mending mikirin diri sendiri….

What should I do in life to be a better me?….

What is supposed to be done in life?…

"Life would be less happier without you"

Mungkin kau yang terakhir…..